Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
two words: eviction party
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize
