areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize