Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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