In America we eat man semen.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
