Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
