Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
