ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize