Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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