I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
