I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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