I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
