thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
