I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
All I want is dick and wine.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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