what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
