seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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