i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
