you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
