Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
