Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
