Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize