Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I puked a lego.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
