Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
