if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
im holly from the hills drunk
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Randomize
