That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
