What did we do last night that was yellow?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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