if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
There's always time for handjobs
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
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