In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
