Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
how do you play pong handcuffed?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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