Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I fill condoms, not promises.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
