I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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