im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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