I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
