Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
