I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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