he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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