yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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