I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
