I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
