I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
