Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
