I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
