Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
