I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
