this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
