Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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