There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
there's paper in my vomit.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
