fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
