Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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