I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
this will be a night to untag.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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