my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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