I'm eating all of the evidence.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
