gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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