things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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