Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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