Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
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