Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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