The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
