3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
