I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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