Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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